I should be excited to go home again and see people I haven't seen in two years, but im not. Im apprehensive. And that's not right.

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side note about fyfeburger: it was invented in 2002 at the a&w/long john silvers/tcby by the culinary champion justin the famed burger flipper fyyyyyyyyfe at only 13000 calories this meat castle could feed an entire country of peasants. standing 10 feet high with bacon beef cheese and chicken piled thick and sweaty.

Conversation overheard at Stinson's Market in Hanover

3 young college students who seem a bit nerdy/hipsterish are chattering away about nothing. I'm looming behind them like a creepy giant in my smelly work clothes. Next to them are two stacks of beer cases, which an older (but still college age) black man is adding stuff to.

At first they seem to know him, but as the conversation unfolded, I'm not entirely sure. I know one thing for sure: when they asked if he wanted to go first since he had been there first, he declined. At that point we all had the same thought.

*He's British!*

Frumpy girl: "Getting ready for a frat party?"

Black British Dude: "No, this is for some friends and me"

FG: "You guys must like to drink!"

BBD: "It's for the weekend...hopefully"

FG: "Did you watch the royal wedding?"

BBD: *laughs* "No, no. I think Americans care about the royal wedding much more than British people."

FG: "Really? I thought it was a big deal for your country."

Me: *stares at the cigar case, literally inches from these people as they talk, trying not to give myself away*

BBD: "Well you really have to be of a certain age to care about the royal family. Most people don't."

Ditsy Tall Girl: "I watched part of it, but he's so ugly!"

BBD: ...

DTG: "And she's so random!"

BBD: "...random? What do you mean?"

FG: "She thinks Kate is random."

DTG: "Because she's I dunno just some girl...like a (in the shittiest British accent) 'commoner'."

BBD: "Well her family certainly isn't what we consider middle class. Her parents are millionaires."

At this point I tuned out as the conversation petered out into them asking him a few icebreaker college questions. He mentioned something about rugby playoffs and shit. Then I bought some grape cigarillos and went on my way. So random!

On the way home from the post office, I decided to take a few backroads and cruise around White River Junction a bit. It's a gloomy day. Should be raining, but it only spits from time to time. Good day for a visit to the cemetary.

I haven't been there since I originally posted on this blog about it. This time I drove through, slowly. Looking around at the centuries-old tombstones and mausoleums. Then something very unexpected happened. I was looking to my left, watching the grave markers pass by. Burroughs, Harmon, then a deer.

Hold on, what the hell?

There was a ragged looking doe, her fur matted down from the damp weather. As I slammed my brakes, she froze up in shock, staring at me from no more than twenty feet away. Then I realized there was a second deer, slightly behind her. We sat there staring at each other, and when I fumbled for my phone to take a picture, they began to run away.

This is all I managed to snap before they bounded between the graves and back into the woods.


As I drove back out of the cemetary and down the steep hill, I saw a guy walking down from the upper hill, looking more or less at the ground, his ear glued to his phone. The urge to roll down my window and shout at him was overwhelming. "Dude! There are deer over there!" But instead I let him be absorbed by whatever inane bullshit he was rambling about to the person on the other end.

The lesson I took from this experience is that I need to look around more often. And to go to the cemetary on gloomy days.

?

This morning, the janitor found a five empty Smirnoff nips in the tampon disposal bin in the ladies restroom. Conspiracy theories abound, as there are countless solutions to this conundrum.

Could it be that one of our customers can't get through the ordeal of shopping at BJ's Wholesale without resorting to a few ounces of Russian Courage?

Do we have a rogue cashier at nights slipping off for bathroom breaks, imbibing the magical "odorless" liquor?

My second favorite theory is that some clever soul on third shift decided to spend his overnight getting boozed up. The fear of being caught runs through them all, due to some unsolved thefts during their shifts. So his vodka-addled brain lands on a solution: a-ha! I will hide them in the ladies' room! There are no ladies on third, so no one will suspect a thing.

Well, mr sneakypants- I SUSPECT. Im on the case, and you can bet i'll be keeping a close eye.

Or not. But its amusing either way.

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Pole

I have so many things to show you. What would you like to see first?

1. The inanity and soap opera drama of a soul-crushing retail job at BJ'S Wholesale

2. The unique brand of drama and excitement of working at a game store- Triple Play Comics and Games

3. Dick pics

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Stay tuned

gonna post soon

Last night I had a dream that I found out about an H.P. Lovecraft themed car in Lincoln. It was a cyclopean non-euclidean building (very fitting of course) with red neon hidden in the crevices of its facade. I can't recall the name of the bar.

Upon discovering it, I began calling all of the Vermillion dudes to celebrate by organizing a Cthulhu themed scavenger hunt. I would hide objects around town, and the clues would be fitting quotes from Lovecraft's work. Before I got started on that, I went to someone's house and sat in their basement. There were five large heating vents in the wall, and I was warned that he basement was haunted and that the ghost of a boy would often peer out at people from within the heating vents. I sat on a couch trying to brainstorm clues for the hunt, and kept seeing a shadowy figure in the ducts. I eventually woke up when my alarm rang.

After telling Steven and Cole about this via text, Steven encouraged me to open a Lovecraft bar. Here are some drink specials that would be served (credit to Steven for most of these)

Shadow Over Ginsmouth
Call of Kaluathu
Nyarlagertep
Dreams in the Icehouse
The Glenfidditch Horror
Pickman's Modelo Negro

Alright everyone, it's 1:45am. Last call...OF CTHULHU!

I've been told I need to update this more often, so this will be the first in a long line of attempts to do so.

Last weekend I went up to Burlington, because Anna is working there at St. Michael's College all summer. After being 1400 miles apart for 7 months last year, it wasn't nearly as bad to have her within a 1.5 hour drive. I still missed her, but at the same time having the entire apartment to myself was kind of nice.

I got directions from my co-worker Chrissy at BJ's. She said to take I-91 north straight up to Burlington. So I hit the road around 3:30 after running a few errands, and didn't bother to double check her instructions. Around 5 I passed a sign that said "Canada- 21 miles", and knew that something was horribly wrong. I called Anna and it turns out that I had to take I-89, which goes west and north straight to Burlington! Whoops.

I pulled into the next gas station I could find and did what every stereotypical man dreads to do- I asked for directions. The nice young man behind the counter gave me a rather confusing set of steps to take, and I tried to follow them but got lost again and had to stop for directions 20 minutes later. Once I found my way to highway 15 west, I was in the clear.

The backroads of Vermont are stunningly beautiful. I wound through mountain roads and passed numerous dairy farms on the way. I saw a moose chilling out in a field about 100 yards away from a large herd of black and white Gateway moocows. I honked my horn and he glanced over as if to say "Yeah, man. What's up."

I finally arrived in Burlington four hours after my departure, and noticed a strange burning smell coming from under the hood. I don't know the first thing about cars, so I was confused and worried that my new (used) car was already going to shit out on me. I'm having it looked at on Friday. So far so good.

The scene painter for Northern Stage, Mike Rozell, just started a campfire in the backyard. I'm going to go down and enjoy it and shoot the shit until I go to bed in about an hour. So there will be a part two to my adventures in Big City, VT. Stay tuned.

This one goes out to all my home skillets in south dakota! wish i could be camping with you dudes right now. despite what some of you think, i never got to camp while i lived there :(

we went to the bar tonight and there were a ton of crazy middle aged ladies singing old country songs, and a bunch of sub-12 year olds, which was really weird at 11:30pm (eastern daylight time).

there was also a couple that was like 18, and that bitch was grinding all up on this dude the whole night. to old country. it was very inappropriate.

that's it. ill make a more relevant post in the morning. thanks for rescuing me from the shitty country-oke. master ron would have been loved it.

Presenting the White Whale MACH II




Bitchin'

I am in the market for a car. Since I work 6am-2pm, and since the buses do not run until after 6am, I must provide my own transportation this summer. Today we drove to Killington, which is about 30 miles away, to scope out a 1990 Ford Taurus that was advertised on Vehix.com. It had some rust issues on all the wheelwells, but shockingly only had 50,000 miles on it. Not bad for a 19 year old car. What IS bad about this car is that the rear suspension rides about 5 inches low, and there is a horrible rattle on the rear passenger side while driving.

Tricky recommended I pursue other vehicles. I agreed. Tomorrow I'm going to check out a used Subaru Legacy at a dealership here in White River. I hope it's not a total piece of shit. It's fun to have a week of training in car sales, so I know exactly what the salesman are trying to pull.

Yesterday we went through a couple dealerships, all of them owned by MILLER AUTO GROUP, which is notorious for staffing needy douchebags. At the first store, a salesman named Jason actually stepped in front of our car as we cruised through the lot, in order to get us to stop and talk to him. I told him I was looking for something under 3k, and he didn't have anything for me. But he still tried to talk us into looking at other stuff. We declined.

At the second store, we cruised through quickly once I noticed they were all new cars. One salesman started jogging across the lot towards our moving car, and another popped out of the building just as we passed, and merely waved and said "Have a good day". The jogger yelled "Wait, come back!!!" as we sped out of the lot.

After checking out the Taurus piece of shit, we stopped at this huge antique mall near Quechee. We spent at least 2 and a half hours there looking at all the crazy shit. Here's just a taste.

Nah, I already dropped mine off at the pool.

Some kind of crazy time traveling chair.

Demure weirdpig.

There was a case full of mint-in-package original Star Wars figures. I feel sorry for whoever spends 75 dollars on the fat shirtless guy who blubbers when the Rancor dies.

Nothing to say here, really.

AHHHHHHHHHH. This is a CHAIR by the way.

Pimp cane.

WAMPASTOMPA!

Apparently they sell crack pipes at antique stores now.

E.T. is trippin balls.

Jarshark.

Bring me a basket of stuffed ducklings immediately!

I hope you enjoyed this montage of weird shit from the antique store. I would have taken more (because there is much much more to show), but my eyes tend to unfocus and fall out of my head after looking at shelves crammed full of weird stuff for two and a half hours. Until next time....





SWEET DREAMS!

i just rickrolled karaoke at the bar

I was just standing in the Wal-Mart parking lot enjoying a cigarette while Anna was purchasing hair dye. I looked to the north and saw a massive wall of black clouds rolling in fast. Suddenly over the mountains, a white mist appeared and in a matter of 20 seconds completely enveloped the top ridge and everything else in front of it. Anna came out and said "I'm getting in the car", and no sooner had we shut the doors than a massive torrent exploded over the parking lot. We drove home through it and now, ten minutes later, it's just lightly sprinkling.

Welcome to Vermont.

Heaven and Hell (which is Black Sabbath - Ozzy + MOTHERFUCKIN DIO) and Coheed and Cambria are touring this summer. They're playing in Boston on the 28th of August. Tickets go on sale this Friday.

I'm doing this.

Yesterday I went in for orientation at BJ's Wholesale, for the position of Receiving Loss Prevention Officer. Basically I will be monitoring shipping and receiving to ensure that no funny business goes down. I think it will be a good job, there is a lot of opportunity for advancement and raises. The operations manager Charles is a really cool guy, and he cursed quite a bit during my training. That's always a good sign. I know for sure he's going to be a hell of a lot more fun to work with than Brian.

BJ's has a company wide policy that the breakroom is always stocked with bread, peanut butter, and jelly. So if any employee forgets their lunch, they can still have a PBJ. Also, every employee over the age of 18 is issued a boxcutter upon employment. This place seems pretty cool.